


Fall Asleep in Separate Rooms

by youbetsya



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, M/M, Mutual Pining, Truth or Dare, every day i project onto evan buckley, they're dumb and in love your honor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:20:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28785570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youbetsya/pseuds/youbetsya
Summary: Buck and Eddie play truth or dare while Chris is away at camp. The world turns upside down. Maddie solves all of Buck’s problems, despite being sick with “food poisoning”, because that’s what big sisters do. It storms in LA in July.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 43
Kudos: 340





	Fall Asleep in Separate Rooms

**Author's Note:**

> This is for sure a Buddie fic but I did accidentally make like a third of it just Buck and Maddie hanging out and I will not apologize for that.

“Why don’t you just stay the night, man?”

Those words coming out of Eddie’s mouth shouldn’t have made Buck’s heart race. He’d lost track of how many times he’d stayed over at Eddie’s house. Hell, they slept in the same room at the station all the time; it came with the territory of 24 hour shifts. Recently, though, everything felt different for Buck when it came to Eddie. With Christopher at camp and a six pack and change already split between them, staying over felt… dangerous. Despite the fact that the Diaz household was as much his home as the station, or even his own apartment. Still--

“It beats paying 150 bucks for a Lyft.” Eddie smiled and took a swig of his beer, eyebrows raised slightly in a taunting expression. Buck couldn’t help but laugh.

“That was one time, I didn’t realize he’d gotten lost!” Buck said, settling back into his seat on the couch. The game had ended over an hour ago, but he had only just worked up the will to see himself out. 

“And you ended up halfway to Nevada before you noticed.” Eddie shook his head in mock disbelief. Possibly real disbelief. 

“We barely made it out of the county. And didn’t you once mistakenly drive across the Mexican border without a passport?” Buck countered. 

“I should never have told you that story.” Eddie said, laughing. 

“Uhh, I believe it was your abuela who told me, actually, because I remember her explaining how she had to call the consulate… I want to say there was bribery involved?” 

“Hey, don’t you slander my abuela like that, or I’ll have to retract my offer to let your drunk ass crash on my couch.” 

“I’ve had like two beers!” Buck protested, although he knew it was closer to three, plus a celebratory tequila shot when the Dodgers won. And another when they’d hit a home run. Eddie gave him a look that said he had also been keeping track. 

“I can still call a Lyft,” Buck said, asking a question that he knew Eddie wouldn’t answer. 

“Nah, don’t worry about it,” Eddie responded casually. Definitely not answering the question. “It’s too quiet around here with Chris at camp, anyway.” 

He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees and looking down slightly. Buck took the opportunity to steal a long look. Eddie’s hair was getting longer, and he tried not to think about how soft it looked, or how nice it might feel to run his hands through it. His mind after two tequila shots was even worse at keeping his thoughts friendly than his stone cold sober mind was and _fuck_ , Eddies arms looked fantastic in that shirt, was it new? Buck cleared his throat.

“Have you heard from him yet? How’s he doing?” Buck did genuinely care about how Chris was enjoying camp. He’d been just as worried as Eddie (maybe even more worried than Eddie) about Chris being away from home for two weeks, but they both knew Chris was an independent kid and was probably having the time of his life. That didn’t stop Eddie from constantly checking his phone for a call or email from the camp. 

Eddie shook his head and turned to face Buck. “No news is good news, right? I get the whole ‘No phones, you gotta connect with nature’ thing, but…” He sighed and let his head drop. 

“But… he’s your kid. You miss him,” Buck nudged Eddie’s shoulder with his. Tried to ignore the twist in his stomach as he did. “It’s normal.” 

Eddie nodded, running his hand over his eyes for just a moment. “We should talk about something else,” He said, “I’m still in the crying phase of being an empty nester.”

Buck smiled. Eddie had been avoiding talking about Chris all evening for, presumably, that very reason. He could listen to Eddie talk about his kid for hours, but if right now his job was to get Eddie’s mind _off_ Christopher then so be it. Unfortunately, he was just buzzed enough that coming up with an appropriate topic of conversation on a dime proved difficult. So what ended up coming out of his mouth was: “Truth or dare?” 

Which was ridiculous, and childish, and — given what a terrible liar he was — potentially deeply embarrassing. Or worse. He regretted it before he had even finished saying the phrase, so he offered a grin and half a laugh and let Eddie guess if he was joking or not. 

“Seriously, man? We’re adults, not eleven-year-old girls,” Eddie said. He rolled his eyes, taking a drink of his beer. Buck felt his heart plummet into his stomach. _Damn, at least let him think it’s funny._ Then Eddie cracked a smile. “Truth.”

Relief flooded through Buck’s veins, until he remembered that now he had to actually play the game. Naturally, he had no questions in mind and everything to lose if he misstepped. Even so, he considered that it might actually be fun to ask Eddie some embarrassing questions, and it would definitely be fun to boss him around a little with a few dares. “High school party rules: if you don’t want to answer or you want to skip a dare, you have to drink.” 

“No way,” Eddie said, “It should be a shot if you skip.” Distantly Buck wondered how much Eddie had had to drink. He didn’t think sober Eddie would agree to something as stupid as a drinking game of truth or dare, but once or twice he had seen Eddie completely plastered, and _that_ version of Eddie would be the first to suggest it. 

“If you say so,” Buck replied, putting up his hands in surrender. “Don’t blame me when you wake up at 3 am in the bathtub after skipping a few too many of my _completely awesome_ truths and dares.” 

Eddie scoffed. “Why don’t you just give me the question and let me judge itt, alright?” He put his feet up on the coffee table and stretched out his arm across the back of the couch. His fingertips brushed against Buck’s neck as he did so, sending a warm tingle up Buck’s spine. 

“Okay, okay,” Buck said. What did he want to ask Eddie? They told each other everything. Or, almost everything. But when a sizable portion of your conversations happen at work or in the presence of a nine-year-old, there tends to be a lot of censoring and a lot of promises to reveal more later left unfulfilled. Since he’d backed them both into a bit of a corner, he might as well take advantage of the opportunity to get some honest answers out of Eddie. “What’s the deal with Chris’s English teacher? The skateboarding fiasco and all that. You haven’t mentioned her in awhile.” He took a drink of his beer. 

“Oh, Ana?” Eddie said. His eyebrows furrowed slightly. “Yeah, I don’t know. I mean I apologized for the skateboarding thing, so it’s not like she flunked Chris out of spite or anything. But she was my kid’s teacher, you know? It would’ve been weird.” He paused for a long moment and bit the corner of his bottom lip like he did when he was trying to decide whether to say something or not. “She reminded me of Shannon, a little, I think.” 

Buck’s heart clenched. It so often slipped his mind that Eddie had only lost his wife a year ago. He wondered if he had liked her because she reminded him of Shannon, or if she’d reminded him of Shannon because he had liked her. He nodded slightly in acknowledgement, somewhat unsure if he should respond, or how to.

Then Eddie sat up, clapped his hands together and pointed double finger guns at Buck. Apparently suggesting that they would not be talking any more about his dead wife right now. “Your turn, Buckley. Truth or dare?” 

Buck sucked in air through his teeth, dramatizing his contemplation. “I’ll go with dare.”

“Typical,” Eddie teased. “Let’s see… you were a gymnast as a kid, right?”

“Mm, I don’t recall saying truth? But yeah, I was in gymnastics for like 9 years.”

“Excellent,” Eddie said with a smirk. “Think you can still do a handstand?” 

“Oh absolutely.” Buck immediately jumped up from the couch to push the coffee table out of the way. Eddie got up to help, laughing.

“You didn’t even let me finish the dare, man!” Eddie said, “The dare is to do a handstand for as long as you can. Without falling and breaking all of my shit.” He added an accusatory finger pointed at Buck for emphasis. 

“Don’t you worry, Firefighter Diaz, I held my gym record for the longest handstand in my age group.” Buck said, taking off his socks to gain better traction against the carpet. He decided not to add that he had been eight years old at the time. 

Every time someone learned he’d done gymnastics competitively as a kid, he was always promptly goaded into “proving it”. Buck had no shame about showing off the few basic skills he still remembered how to do — albeit sloppily, with form that would make any coach cringe —, especially when he was drunk. Right now though, between the tequila in his bloodstream and Eddie’s laughter reverberating in his ears, he had the distinct feeling that if his feet left the ground he would just float away. 

“Sure, sure, I’m just gonna move these picture frames out of the way real quick…” Eddie hastily picked up all of the potentially fragile items in the area and moved them comically far out of range. Buck rolled his eyes but couldn’t stop himself from smiling slightly at Eddie’s teasing.

“Can I do my cool badass trick now or what?” He made a show of stretching his arms across his chest and rolling his neck like an MMA fighter in the ring. 

Eddie tilted his head slightly and pulled a face. “Eh, I don’t know if I would call the first thing they teach toddlers in a gym a ‘cool badass trick’ — ”

“Oh, so you want me to do a back handspring or something in your living room? Because I can do — ” 

“Just do the handstand, Buck!”

“Alright, sheesh.” 

Buck shook out his hands and feet in an attempt to focus some of his nervous energy so he’d have a prayer of staying balanced, and placed his feet into position. It always felt weird, this type of performing for people. Buck was by no definition shy, and he knew people saw him as a showoff. Sure, he liked the attention, the rush of adrenaline from knowing that other people are watching you. But in the moment just before doing something kinda stupid like this, all of that disappeared and he only felt the pressure of eyes on him, and the sick buzz of irrational panic that if he made a fool of himself he would lose all of their respect in an instant. He felt it when he was on a call, on a date, even with the 118. Especially with Eddie. 

But, as they say, the show must go on. 

He placed his hands above his head, took a step, and swung his hands down and his feet up simultaneously until his hands were hands on the carpet and his feet in the air. For a moment, he thought he would fall right away, but he shuffled his hands forward in a few shaky steps and was able to center himself after a few seconds. A few feet behind (in front of?) him, Eddie somehow still managed to be frustratingly handsome even when viewed from upside-down. 

“I told you, man,” Buck’s words came out somewhat strained between the effort of staying stable and the blood rushing to his head, undoubtedly turning his face an embarrassing shade of red. “I’m the handstand champ.” 

In his distorted field of view, he saw Eddie nod in approval and slowly start to walk around him. Buck got momentary flashbacks to his coaches reviewing his form during stretches 15 years ago, down to the straining in his muscles. He shuffled his hands slightly again. 

“Damn, Buckley,” Eddie’s voice said from behind Buck’s head, “your ass looks good upside down!” 

And just like that, Buck’s concentration was irreparably shattered. His body made a good show of trying to at least let his feet drop first and prevent him from falling, but it wasn’t much use with his brain short-circuiting, and he crashed to the floor in a flailing heap. _What the_ fuck _did that mean, Eddie?_ Breathing heavily and already feeling bruises forming, Buck looked up to see Eddie doubled over with laughter. 

“Come on, dude, not fair,” Buck groaned. His heart was racing, and not just from the blood rushing back to his vital organs. He knew Eddie had just been fucking around, trying to throw him off and make him fall. And yet. 

“I am… mildly impressed,” Eddie said, his laughter dying down. He reached out a hand to help Buck off the floor, and Buck accepted in spite of Eddie’s betrayal.

“By the handstand, or my ass?” Buck teased as he brushed himself off. In response, Eddie said nothing, but smirked and raised his eyebrows, throwing Buck’s thoughts further into a spiral. 

Eddie started pulling the coffee table back toward the couch and Buck followed suit. He felt the same way he did when he was on a call at the edge of a cliff and thought he sensed the earth shifting ever so slightly under his feet: unsure if the ground was actually unstable or if he was just being paranoid. 

“So why’d you quit gymnastics? If you liked it and you were good at it.” Eddie asked as he picked his beer back up and reclaimed his seat on the couch.

Now Buck was sure the ground was unstable. “Ah…” He ducked his head as he sat down. “Now that’s a ‘truth’ story.” The rational part of Buck hoped Eddie wouldn’t press the issue, at the same time as some small, desperate part of him hoped he would. 

Eddie just shrugged slightly. “My turn,” He said, and took a sip of his beer. “Dare.” 

If Buck couldn’t think of an appropriate truth five minutes ago, he certainly couldn’t think of an appropriate dare right now. “Uhhh…” He rubbed his hands on his thighs as he looked around the room for inspiration. After a few awkward moments, his eyes caught on the bluetooth speaker by the TV and he grinned. “I dare you to shuffle your liked songs on Spotify and just let it play on the speaker for the rest of the game.” 

Eddie threw his head back and groaned, “You know Chris and I share a Spotify account, right?” 

“Oh, I’m very aware.” 

“And that I keep meticulously curated playlists for a reason?” Eddie continued, but reached into his back pocket for his phone nonetheless. 

“Yeah, Eddie, I’ve been in a car with you enough times to know about your whole Spotify thing.”

“You’re an asshole,” Eddie muttered without looking up from his phone. “Alright, man, you asked for it.” He pressed a button, and immediately dropped his head into the crook of his elbow as an upbeat drumming pattern started. It took several seconds for Buck to recognize the song as Taylor Swift’s 2014 hit “Shake it Off”. 

Buck burst out laughing. “No way!” He cried, his words shaky with uncontained laughter, “You’re a closet Taylor Swift fan! This is the best day of my life!” 

Eddie lifted his head and jumped to his own defense. “This was Chris’s favorite song like two years ago, okay?”

“Umm, I have never once heard Chris request this song…” Buck said, wiping tears from his eyes.

“Because even he’s sick of it now! I didn’t even remember this was on here.” Eddie lamented. He rubbed his hands over his face. Buck knew Eddie well enough to know how cruel of a dare this was, given how protective Eddie was about his (somewhat pretentious) taste in music. But frankly he deserved it for making Buck fall with his stupid jokey flirting. 

“It’s a… fun song,” Buck’s laughter was fading, and now he was realizing they were both going to have to sit through a mix of Eddie’s indie rock and a tour through Chris’s music taste from ages seven through nine. Annoyingly, the ache in his heart that manifested every time Eddie was the slightest bit upset was protesting to the whole situation. It was soothed slightly by the small smile peaking between Eddie’s fingers.

“Fuck you, dude.” Eddie said. His hands ran through his hair, coming to rest at the back of his neck. With his arms casually flexed and the smile tugging on the corners of his mouth, and that _damn shirt_ he looked like he belonged on a movie set rather than a suburban living room. Buck wanted to scream. “Truth or dare.”

“Um, truth, I guess.” Buck said. He pulled his eyes away from Eddie’s arms and took a long swig of his increasingly lukewarm beer. 

“Why’d you quit gymnastics?” Eddie said. Buck nearly spit out his beer. Somehow, he didn’t think Eddie would have actually cared enough to ask. Eddie brought his hands back down to his sides and tilted his head, seemingly even more curious now than before. “I mean, you said it was a ‘Truth’ story.” 

“Yeah, um... yeah.” Buck tried hopelessly to sort through his thoughts and decide what to do. He could just take a shot and avoid the whole thing. He could lie, like he almost always did whenever someone asked this question, but Eddie would definitely know. The small, desperate part of him said, _You should just tell the truth._ But could he? He trusted Eddie with his life, but there was a chance, however small, that telling him the truth could change everything. Eddie might see him differently, or treat him differently, even without meaning to. It had happened before. There was no going back from this.

“Look man, I get it, childhood stuff can be weird.” Eddie leaned forward a bit, his words earnest, “I can pick a different--” 

“No, um,” Buck said. He sat up a bit straighter and set down his beer. “It’s okay. That’s the game, right?” Buck took a deep breath and tried not to overthink what he was doing. Which normally wasn’t hard for him, but right now there was a very loud portion of his mind blaring every alarm bell. He jumped off of buildings with Eddie holding the rope, for Christ’s sake. He could tell him this story. Right? 

_There’s no going back from this._

“Basically. I mean it’s not that interesting,” Buck tried for a laugh, but it came out sharp and strained. His heart was pounding so hard he could feel the pulse under every inch of his skin. He looked down at his hands so he didn’t have to look Eddie in the eye. “But basically. I was fifteen, I was a freshman in high school. And, uh. My coach walked in on me and this other... guy, on the team, uh,” He put a fist to his hand and cleared his throat as if that would help the words come out. “Kissing. In the locker room.” He turned his head slightly so he could see Eddie’s reaction. Buck didn’t know what he was expecting, but for some reason Eddie nodding calmly and leaning back into the couch managed to be simultaneously shocking and placating. “Yeah, so. The coach told my parents, and they pulled me off of the team. Made me sign up for wrestling. As if that’s somehow less gay.” Buck laughed in an attempt to ease the tension that had crept into every muscle. It sounded hollow. In the silence that followed he became very aware of the final chorus of “Shake it Off” still playing. 

“That… really fucking sucks, man,” Eddie said after a few moments. His words sounded sincere. Buck finally turned towards him completely, and saw the sincerity reflected in his face as well. No confusion, not even a hint of discomfort. Just… an acknowledgement. 

“Yeah,” Buck relaxed slightly into the couch. He still felt dizzy with adrenaline, but something deep in his chest had loosened ever so slightly. He couldn’t remember the last time he had told that story in its entirety. The closest he came these days was two different half-truths, either _My parents are majorly homophobic and when I got older they decided gymnastics was too gay,_ or _My coach caught me kissing a girl in the locker rooms and kicked me off the team._

“So are you?” Eddie asked. “Gay, I mean.” Instantly, Buck’s heart rate shot back up.

“Does it matter?” Buck said quietly, maybe more than himself than to Eddie. 

Eddie shrugged, his expression unchanged, “I’m just wondering exactly how bad I should feel for the _many_ women you’ve slept with.” He cracked a smile. A laugh that felt like a sigh of relief fell from Buck’s mouth. If Eddie was already teasing him about this, he was pretty sure things were going to be okay. 

“You’re an asshole,” Buck said, shaking his head. “And it’s your turn, not mine. Truth or dare?” 

“Mm… I’ll take a dare.” 

Damn. On some level, Buck realized he had been hoping to ask Eddie to reveal some unknown part of himself, even just to even the score between them. He pushed down that feeling and stuck out his hand as if offering a handshake. “Thumb war. Loser has to take a shot.” 

Eddie sighed and moved to put out his hand, but then drew it back. “Hang on a second, how is this fair? You and Maddie thumb wrestle over every decision, you’re both practically superhuman thumb wrestlers.” 

Buck flipped both hands palms up in a take-it-or-leave-it gesture, “Take the dare or take the shot. It’s up to you.”

Eddie muttered something under his breath, but reached out his hand so it connected with Buck’s. Their fingers curled around each other, and Buck was struck with the realization of how the motion of interlocking hands could suggest such different things — romance, conflict, prayer — with such similar gestures. 

They went through the chant and immediately Buck gained the upper hand. Eddie put up a good fight, but he didn’t really stand a chance considering Buck had over two decades of experience in thumb-wrestling with his sister. As kids, they used it the way other siblings used rock-paper-scissors. As adults, they still thumb-wrestled whenever they disagreed about something trivial. Maddie was the only person he knew who could beat him just as often as he beat her. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Eddie yelled as his thumb strained against Buck’s. 

“One Mississippi, two Mississippi -- hey that’s cheating, you dick!” Eddie was trying to use his other hand to free his thumb from under Buck’s, and Buck swatted his hand away as they both laughed. Their eyes met, Eddie’s sparkling like a fucking cartoon character in the dim light of the living room. For a long moment as their laughter subsided Buck couldn’t look away. Eddie held his gaze, their hands still interlocked. Buck absently traced his thumb down the length of Eddie’s, and Eddie didn’t pull away. 

The bass-heavy intro of a new song startled Buck back to his senses and he dragged his hands and his eyes away from Eddie. He could feel his face growing flushed as his mind swam with a mixture of embarrassment, confusion, and a warm, glowing feeling he refused to acknowledge. Buck cleared his throat and tried to pivot away from whatever had just happened. Which was probably absolutely nothing. There were moments like that between the two of them all the time — eye contact held so long it felt like a dare, a hand that lingered somewhere and wasn’t pushed away. It hadn’t meant anything so far.

“Ahm, cheaters get disqualified, so one tequila shot for you,” Buck said, reaching for the tequila on the other end of the table. “But because I am a benevolent Truth-or-Dare player, I will take one with you.” He put his hand to his chest to emphasize his magnanimous nature and held out a shot glass to Eddie, who begrudgingly accepted. Buck poured a shot for each of them. 

“Cheers,” He said. They clinked their glasses together and simultaneously threw back the shots. The tequila burned down Buck’s throat and into his stomach, and the sickly sweet taste it left behind made them both grimace. “Ugh.”

“Ugh,” Eddie agreed. He shook out his head as though that would get rid of the aftertaste. “Your turn, Buckley. Truth or dare.” 

Without thinking, or maybe only using the twisted part of his brain that desperately wanted to admit absolutely everything to Eddie regardless of the cost, Buck said, “Truth.”

For a moment, Eddie looked mildly surprised. _Look, man, I don’t know why I said it either, I know what you’re gonna ask,_ Buck thought to himself. And then, of course, Eddie asked, “So… are you gay? Or bi, or…” He waved his hands vaguely to encompass everything else that guys who like guys might call themselves. He quickly added, “Not that it really matters. To me, at least.”

Buck let out a deep breath of air through his nose and slumped back into the couch. He was seriously considering going for another shot to avoid the question, but he knew that would be an answer too. Even the way he was reacting now was an answer. Okay, wow, he was way overthinking this. Eddie was his best friend, and if he said the answer didn’t matter, then he should trust that the answer didn’t matter.

“Um. I guess I don’t really know,” Buck said, honestly. The warm buzz of the tequila seemed to amplify the racing of his heart. An intense electric guitar solo dissonantly underscored his words. “I mean, I’m definitely into women. But I hooked up with a few guys in high school, and in college. I even had a boyfriend in college for, like, six months? But then when I had to move back in with my parents… I don’t know, I guess I convinced myself it was a phase or something. But now I — ” Buck bit his lip, cutting himself off before he could say, _But now I know for sure it wasn’t because I’m in love with you._

“But now?” Eddie said. With his slight smile and the glint in his eyes, Buck found himself irrationally concerned that Eddie could hear his thoughts. 

Buck tried to recover with a grin, “But now I live in LA, and it’s like, it’s the 21st century, what guy in LA is straight?” Eddie ducked his head, and Buck remembered that Eddie was a straight guy that lived in LA. He playfully bumped his shoulder into Eddie’s, “Other than you, I mean.”

Eddie laughed and looked up. He shrugged slightly, his expression suggesting objection to Buck’s statement. Which basically sent every thought in Buck’s brain into a blender at high speed. 

“What does _that_ mean?” Buck managed to say. 

“You’re supposed to say ‘truth or dare’ before asking a question.” 

Jesus Christ, this guy. “Truth or dare, asshole.” 

“Truth.”

“What the fuck does,” Buck shrugged in an exaggerated imitation of Eddie’s gesture, “mean?”

“It means,” Eddie shrugged again. “I’ve hooked up with guys before too. The Army is like LA. No completely straight dudes.”

Buck felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. The world seemed to have flipped upside down again. Ever since he’d realized he was in love with Eddie, he had just assumed that Eddie would never — _could_ never — feel the same way. Now, knowing there was a chance he could… it was like being handed a piece to a puzzle he’d already finished. 

“You good, Buck?” Eddie asked, his brows furrowed slightly in confusion or concern. Probably both. 

“Yeah, I just…” Buck said, coherent thoughts drifting in and out of his grasp. “How did we not know this about each other?”

“It doesn’t come up a lot for me. If someone asks, I’ll tell them but…” Eddie tilted his beer bottle in Buck’s direction, “you never asked.” 

“Huh.” Buck didn’t know how to feel about any of this, let alone how to respond to it, and the tequila wasn’t helping him think straight. The song in the background had changed to a woman’s voice singing a soft melody over acoustic guitar backing. 

_There is no coming back from this._ The thought played on a loop in his mind. 

“Well!” Eddie said, patting his hands against his thighs, “Now that that’s squared away. Truth or dare, Buckley?”

Buck burst into laughter. He had almost forgotten that without the stupid game, none of this would’ve happened. Time would tell if that was a blessing or a curse. Most likely both. 

“Did I say something funny?” Eddie said, although he was laughing too so clearly he felt how ridiculous the whole situation was. 

“Please, you’ve never said anything funny in your life,” Buck said when his laughter had subsided enough to speak. “Uhhh, dare.” 

Eddie took a swig of beer as he considered, presumably, how to effectively embarrass Buck. “You still think you could take me in a fight?” He said after a few moments.

“Okay, is this payback for the thumb wrestling thing?” Buck said. They both knew that Eddie could and would kick Buck’s ass under almost any circumstances imaginable, even though Buck would never say it. 

“No, not at all,” Eddie said, with a tone that suggested the opposite. “Totally chill, one round, no bruises allowed. Loser is the first to get pinned.” 

Buck rolled his eyes, “So more like wrestling rules than fight club rules?” 

“Hey, that’s a point in your favor,” Eddie said as he rose from the couch. “I’m a boxer, not a wrestler.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not much of either,” Buck muttered, but stood up anyway. Eddie started to pull the coffee table out of the way once more and Buck joined him, wondering why they even moved it back while they were still playing the game. 

Despite his claim that they would not be boxing, Eddie shifted into a boxing stance once the table was safely out of the way.

“Any more rules we want to go over?” Buck asked. Admittedly there was some concern in the back of his mind about how this would go, considering neither of them was completely sober and as far as he knew the last time Eddie fought someone the guy almost died. Eddie laughed.

“Don’t look so nervous, Buck,” Eddie said, “The goal isn’t to actually hurt each other. It’s like play-wrestling. Didn’t you and Maddie ever play-wrestle as kids?”

“Huh?”

He shrugged, “I don’t know, my sisters and I did it all the time. No hitting, biting, kicking, scratching. Definitely nothing that would leave a mark. Just trying to pin the other person, okay?”

“Your dare, man, your rules.” Buck crouched into what he guessed to be an appropriate starting position. “On three?” Eddie nodded.

“One…” Buck said slowly, “TWO-THREE-GO!” And he ran full-tilt at Eddie to try and knock him off balance. He managed to grab around Eddie’s waist, but he had given ample warning for Eddie to stabilize himself. 

“Not fair, asshole,” Eddie laughed as he freed his arms from Buck’s grip. He wrapped his arms around Buck in what essentially amounted to a bear hug, and once again Buck was momentarily stricken by the physical juxtaposition of conflict and love. Eddie tried to sweep Buck’s legs out from under him but Buck held his ground and ducked out of Eddie’s grasp. 

“I went on three!” Buck protested. He didn’t know if it was the alcohol or the schoolyard fight imitation or the feeling of Eddie’s skin on his but he was giggling like a kid. Eddie charged at him, yelling a mock war-cry. 

Though Buck struggled valiantly it quickly became clear that he was not going to win this fight. After another minute or so of back-and-forth grappling, Eddie managed to pick Buck up, as Buck shouted curses in protest, and slammed him into the carpeted floor — as gently as possible. Eddie clambered on top of Buck to pin his body against the ground as he struggled, both of them laughing and Buck still shouting obscenities at the top of his lungs. 

And then Buck’s back was against the carpet, his wrists held down by Eddie’s hands, and Eddie’s knees were on either side of his hips and neither of them was moving anymore. The laughter that had filled the room a moment ago quickly fell away, replaced only with the sounds of their labored breathing and the backing track of an old, slow jazz number that sounded like it belonged on vinyl. Every point where their bodies pressed against each other was electrified. Their faces were close enough that Buck could smell Eddie’s cologne, spiced and slightly sharp, like it was undercut with citrus, and feel his every breath against his skin. Buck stayed perfectly still as he watched Eddie’s eyes flit around his face, his gaze lingering at Buck’s lips before settling on his eyes. Buck barely let himself breathe, feeling as though this moment was so fragile that it might crack if he moved. 

Eddie moved his hand from Buck’s wrist, and Buck thought that certainly Eddie would sit up now, declare victory, and they would fall asleep in separate rooms. Then Eddie cupped his hand against the side of Buck’s face, and Buck involuntarily let out a small gasp. Eddie’s thumb grazed down Buck’s cheek, his eyes following the trail, as Buck — now holding his breath completely — studied Eddie’s face. The dark stubble covering his jaw, the way his eyelashes curled against his cheek when he blinked, the small scratch on his nose that he’d gotten on a call today. Buck resisted the urge to close his eyes and savor the sensation of Eddie’s hands against his skin. He tried to breathe again, testing out how it felt to lean in to the fragility of the moment rather than away from it. Eddie’s eyes drifted back to Buck’s but his hand still rested on Buck’s face, with his fingers brushing against the back of his neck. Buck saw a silent question in the shine of Eddie’s eyes, the set of his jaw, the twitch of his brow, and he felt the same question reflected in his own expression. One of them just had to be brave enough to answer it. 

Buck wet his lips and smiled softly. “Truth or dare?” He asked, his voice barely above a whisper. 

Eddie mirrored his smile. “Dare.” Their faces were now only inches apart. Buck’s heartbeat resounded through his skull like a bass drum. 

_There is no going back from this._

“Kiss me.” 

For the longest second in the world, the air in the room was completely still. Nothing registered except Eddie’s face, so close to his, and those two words hanging between them that he couldn’t take back. In that second, Buck felt the weight of every moment in his life leading up to this one and the icy grip of panic on his heart that he had misjudged, misstepped. That he would lose everything. 

But then.

Eddie’s smile grew ever so slightly. And Buck didn’t know who moved first, but the distance between them closed until their mouths connected and they were absolutely and irrevocably kissing and then Eddie’s hand was on the back of his neck pulling him closer and Buck’s whole body was on fire. He shoved a hand through Eddie’s hair, finally _finally_ felt it run through his fingers, and gently tugged on a handful. Eddie gasped, sending a shiver all the way up Buck’s spine. Buck experimentally ran his tongue across Eddie’s teeth, and Eddie caught Buck’s bottom lip between his teeth in response, which made Buck feel just completely _insane_. 

He pushed himself off from the floor and slipped his other hand under Eddie’s shirt, feeling his skin and his spine under his fingers and the only thing he wanted in the world was to be closer to Eddie, which was a crazy thing to think because Eddie was quite literally sitting in his lap and their tongues were in each other's mouths. Still, he felt too far away, and Buck decided that their clothes were definitely the problem. He yanked his shirt off over his head and Eddie did the same with his own and _yes, their shirts were definitely part of the problem_ Buck thought as he ran his hands over the muscles that lined Eddie’s back, felt Eddie’s hands move lower, creeping under the waistband of his jeans. He kissed down Eddie’s jaw, down his neck, and vaguely wondered exactly how unprofessional it would be for one or both of them to show up to work tomorrow afternoon with hickeys like they were sixteen fucking years old. 

He should have been freaking out. Eddie was his best friend. His partner in a job where a moment of distraction could lead to someone’s death. Eddie and Christopher were as much his family as Maddie was. And he was putting all of that at risk for something that he didn’t think either of them could name. And maybe some small, rational part of him _was_ freaking out. Deep, deep down. But in the moment, one thought filled his mind completely and pushed out any other, more rational thought: _God, nothing else will ever feel this good._

*****************************************

When Buck woke up in Eddie’s bed the next morning, he would’ve bet everything he owned that he was in a dream. In fact, he was almost certain he had had this exact dream several times before, with neither of them wearing a scrap of clothing, his arm draped across Eddie’s chest, one of each of their legs intertwined under a tangled bed sheet, and someone’s boxers flung over the bedpost at their feet. A glance at the bedside table revealed three empty condom wrappers and a bottle of lube knocked over on its side. 

Yeah, he was definitely dreaming. 

His groggy mind was so sure it was all a dream that he curled up closer to Eddie without a second thought. He rested his head on his chest, feeling the heat of his skin and the steady thump of his heartbeat, and silently lamented that he would ever have to wake up. Eddie stirred, apparently disturbed by Buck’s movement. A few moments later Buck felt Eddie’s fingers gently brush through his hair, and Buck tilted his head up to look at Eddie’s face. His eyes were bleary with sleep, his hair was sticking out from his head at every possible angle, and an indented line from a crease in the pillowcase ran across his left cheek. Cast in the light of the mid-morning sun streaming in through the window, he was beautiful in the way sunsets are beautiful, the way the view from a mountaintop is beautiful. Beautiful in a way that almost makes you believe in God. It was an image that Buck desperately wished he could stow away in his mind for days when nothing seemed worth living for. 

“G’mornin’,” Eddie said with an easy smile and eyes so soft Buck felt like he could fall into them.

“Morning,” Buck said. He could tell he looked like a teenager gazing at their first love but he didn’t really give a shit because Eddie was looking at him like _that_ and it was a dream anyway, so --

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck. Shit. Buck felt his face fall as everything that had happened the night before washed over him like a fucking Tsunami -- which was saying something, considering an actual Tsunami had washed over him before. The stupid game, the confession that he didn’t expect to be mutual, his hands and his lips and his body all over Eddie’s. Eddie’s all over his. 

He didn’t regret a second of it, and he never would. He knew that already. But damn, things were about to get weird fast. 

“You okay?” Eddie said, apparently noticing the shift in Buck’s expression. His brows furrowed in concern.

“Yeah,” Buck knew there was no way he would be able to think clearly with his head resting on Eddie’s chest so he gently pushed himself away and sat up. “I just... We should probably talk about what happened last night, right?”

“What do you want to talk about?” Eddie asked, turning towards Buck and propping his head up on his elbow. 

“I don’t know, I mean… Like, what does it mean? For us?” Buck asked, studying Eddie’s face for hints as he did. “Was it just… blowing off steam, or something? Or?” 

Eddie’s recoiled slightly. “Is that what it was to _you_? Blowing off steam?” 

“No. Or, I don’t know,” Buck said, even though he did know, and it definitely was not. He watched Eddie pull away even more. This was not going well. What was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he have a human conversation with his best friend? He wanted so badly to tell Eddie everything he felt for him, but he didn’t know where to start or if he could stop once he did. He wanted to tear his heart from his chest and show it to Eddie: _See, see how you take up all of it? See how what I feel for you is too much to even say?_ Buck shook his head, trying to focus the thoughts he could hold on to. “No, it wasn’t.” 

Eddie looked unconvinced. “Look, Buck, if this was all just some game to you, I--”

“I just said it wasn’t,” Buck said, far more harshly than he meant to. Eddie flinched, and his expression hardened. Buck ran his hands over his face and through his hair, unsure how this could have gone so badly so fast, but knowing it was absolutely his fault. Eddie swung his legs out of bed, grabbed the closest article of clothing, which happened to be the boxers on the bedpost that Buck was now certain were his own, and started to get dressed.

“It’s fine if it was,” Eddie said. His words were barbed wire. “It doesn’t have to be weird, it doesn’t have to be a thing.” He pulled a shirt (not Buck’s this time, at least) over his head and gave a half-shrug. “Friends have casual sex all the time.” 

_Fuck._ Buck’s head swam. He fumbled through thoughts, trying to find the right thing to say to make everything go back to a soft-edged dream.

“It’s just a lot to process.” _Wrong._ “I’m not sure where to go from here.” _Wrong._

_I love you, Eddie. I’ve been in love with you since the first day I met you. I’m so fucking terrified of losing you that I can’t think straight. I can’t imagine living without you and I never, ever want to. Please, get back in bed and I will hold you and tell you every last thing I love about you and make everything okay._

“I --,” Buck felt the words choking him. He swallowed, tried again. And he just couldn’t say them. 

Eddie inhaled, looked like he was about to say something, then let out a breath. He nodded curtly. “You’re right, it’s a lot to process. I’m gonna go take a shower. You can head home, or stay. Up to you.” And Eddie crossed the room in a few strides and was gone. 

Buck blinked several times, struggling to come to terms with what had just happened.

 _You fucked it up, jackass. You had your chance and you blew it. In record fucking time, too._ He flopped against the mattress with a groan. _And the love of your life just stole your underwear._

*****************************************

Twenty minutes later he was standing outside Maddie’s door wearing the same clothes from the night before, minus his boxers and his left sock. A layer of gray clouds was pushing its way into the sky, slowly taking over the sun. He leaned against the doorframe and started bouncing his heel as he waited for Maddie to let him in. After a suspiciously long amount of time considering she had rung him in through the front gate, she appeared in the doorway looking nearly as disheveled as he did. Maddie had been an early riser as long as he could remember, and she claimed she wasn’t really awake until she’d done her hair. Yet here she stood in front of him, hair not even brushed, wearing pajamas and a bathrobe as though she’d just gotten out of bed.

“Hey. Um, are you okay?”

“Yeah, just… bad sushi.” She said, unconvincingly. Buck raised an eyebrow, but when he opened his mouth to object, Maddie pressed on. “Why are you at my house at 9:30 in the morning, Buck?” 

“Uh…” He decided to circle back around to Maddie’s mysterious sushi illness later. “Is anyone else here? Chimney or anyone?” He ducked his head inside and found no one within sight.

“No, just me,” Now it was Maddie’s turn to look concerned. “Are _you_ okay?”

“I have to tell you something, but you have to promise not to tell anyone else,” He stepped inside and swiveled on his heel to face her. “Okay? I’m serious, not even Chimney.”

Maddie crossed her arms and nodded soberly, “Yeah, okay. I’ll keep it between us.”

“Um, okay. So.” Buck took a deep breath. Momentarily considered leading up to it. Decided it wasn’t worth it. “I had sex with Eddie.” 

Saying it out loud brought back the disastrous conversation they had had this morning and made Buck cringe. He was still struggling to believe it had really happened. And hating himself for already having ruined it.

Maddie’s eyes grew wide. Buck’s heart started to race, although he couldn’t pinpoint why. Maddie already knew that he’d dated guys, and she’d been trying to gently nudge him back out of the closet ever since she’d moved to LA. Maybe she had become violently homophobic overnight, or maybe she hated Eddie. Or maybe she was _also_ secretly in love with Eddie. Ew, gross. Now that _really_ didn’t make any sense. 

She fumbled to remove her phone from her pocket and Buck took a step toward her. “Maddie, please, you can’t tell anyone. I--”

“Shut up, I have to check something,” Maddie said, putting one hand up to quiet him. She tapped her screen a few times and then seemed to start reading through some kind of document. Buck looked on, too bewildered to be offended. 

“God _dammit_ Evan!” Maddie cried out after a few seconds, then looked back up from her phone at him. She looked… annoyed? Almost betrayed? “You couldn’t have waited three months? Was this just last night?” 

Buck opened and closed his mouth once, then again. “Uh, yeah it was last night.”

“And this was the first time it happened?” She redirected her attention to her phone. It looked like she was following a line of text with her finger. 

“Yes… What the hell is going on here?” Buck couldn’t help but feel a bit frustrated that his major life crisis was being sidelined by whatever bizarre thing Maddie was going through right now. 

“You’re kidding,” She said to herself, ignoring Buck completely. “ _Carla?_ Of course Carla won the bet. She’s with Chris all day, that’s like insider trading.” She rubbed her hand across her eyes. “God, I was _so_ sure it would be at least three years…” Suddenly she seemed to remember that Buck was in front of her, dealing with a very real situation in his very real life. She clicked off her phone and returned it to her pocket.

“Um. Sorry. I’m listening. Attentively.” She folded her hands in front of her and smiled. 

Buck was confused pretty often, but the past twelve hours of his life were definitely among the most confusing so far. “You had a _bet going?”_

“Yeah… I mean it was just me and the 118. Plus Carla, obviously. And Athena too.”

Buck put his hands over his face.

“Actually, you know what? I just remembered Josh and May joined last month.” Maddie continued. She was clearly enjoying this. Buck groaned into his hands. “And some random firefighter from Austin who follows you on Instagram messaged me the other day wondering if you guys were together. Which was weird, but she’s actually super nice. We’ve been messaging back and forth and I was going to ask if she wanted to--”

“Jesus, so everyone on the fucking planet knew except me and Eddie, then?” Buck said, throwing his hands up. His voice broke in the middle of the sentence. Hearing how desperate he sounded, Maddie’s eyes softened, her smile turning from playful to pitying. 

“Yeah, Buck,” She said. “Pretty much.” 

Buck wanted to break something.

Instead, he plopped down on her couch and stared absently at her wall. His brain was turning about sixteen different things over and over in his head and none of them were fitting together. How could everyone have seen this coming except him? Why hadn’t anyone thought to clue him in? Had Eddie known this whole time and was just waiting for Buck to make a move? 

Maddie slid in next to him on the couch and placed a hand on his shoulder. “If it makes you feel better, everyone was rooting for you guys,” She said, very much missing the point of Buck’s angst. “Even Athena. She says you’re two halves of a whole idiot, or something.” 

Buck dropped his head into his hand. “Maddie, I love you, and I appreciate you, but that actually makes me feel worse.” 

“What happened? Was the sex bad?”

“Ahhhh,” Buck cringed and put his hands over his ears, “The only thing that could make this morning worse would be discussing details about my sex life with my sister.” 

“So the sex wasn’t bad,” Maddie said without missing a beat. “Because you would tell me if it was bad. Because then it would be a funny crisis.” 

“Definitely not a funny crisis,” Buck muttered, removing his hands from his ears. “I fucked everything up, Maddie. For like one second everything was perfect — actually, perfect. And I fucked it all up and I don’t even know _why_.” 

“Buck, you still haven’t told me what actually happened yet,” Maddie said gently. “I can’t offer you sage big-sister advice if I don’t know what I’m advising you on.”

Buck fell back into the couch. He was so miserable about this whole Eddie situation that he felt physically ill. His chest ached so much it was hard to breathe and a hurricane had taken root in his stomach. He let out a deep sigh through his nose.

“This morning, I said we should talk about what this meant for us. And he asked what it meant to me, and I couldn’t tell him. I know exactly how I feel, but I couldn’t say it. And I acted like an asshole, and he basically kicked me out. I mean he said I could stay or leave, but — ”

“Hold on, if he said you could stay then why are you here? Why aren’t you there, talking to him about this?”

“Because I freaked out, okay?” Buck said, exasperated and suddenly very exhausted. “I’m so… I’m so terrified of losing him that I had no idea how to act, it was like I was talking to a stranger.”

“But what did you _want_ to tell him?” Maddie leaned into the couch so that their heads were parallel and rested her cheek on her knuckles. For a moment, Buck had the distinct feeling of being at a sleepover and whispering secrets back and forth in the dark. 

“That it meant something to me.” He scoffed, “That it meant _everything_ to me. And… that I’m in love with him and I’ve been in love with him for almost three years.”

Maddie smiled and gently shoved Buck’s shoulder, “Then go tell him that, dummy! You two have made it through worse screw-ups than this.” 

Buck let a puff of air through his nose that was almost like a laugh. She had a point. Almost losing Eddie’s kid in a tsunami and then filing a lawsuit against him while he was grieving the death of his wife, consequently contributing to Eddie getting arrested and almost killing a guy in an illegal fighting ring would probably be, in hindsight, a bigger offense than being a confused dickhead after sleeping with him. Hopefully. 

“You love him. I’ve bet money that he loves you too. One of you just has to be brave enough to say it.” Maddie said with a shrug. She pointed a finger at Buck, “And it better be you, because I _also_ bet money that you would be the first one to--” Maddie stopped cold. The color drained from her face, and her pointed index finger became a just-a-minute finger as she quickly shoved off from the couch and took off towards the bathroom.

Buck helplessly watched her go, knowing from experience that if he followed he would just get the bathroom door slammed in his face. Despite her assertion that she was fine, he couldn’t help but worry that there was something going on. Maybe she really did just have food poisoning, but something else seemed off with her. He grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen before heading down the hall to check on her. 

Buck stood awkwardly outside the bathroom for a minute or so until the retching sounds subsided before knocking quietly on the door. “You okay in there, Mads?” 

A few seconds later, she opened the door, appearing decidedly unwell and mildly irritated. “I told you, I’m fine.” 

Buck held out the glass of water to her. When she saw it, any hint of irritation disappeared from her face and tears began to well up in her eyes.

“You are so sweet,” She said, taking the glass of water from him. “I am so lucky to have you as a brother. I feel like I don’t tell you that enough.” Then she burst into tears. What the hell was going on?

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Buck said, wrapping her in a hug and resting his chin on top of her head. “I mean, I’m lucky to have you, too, but it’s just a glass of water Maddie.” 

For some reason that made her cry even harder. Buck had no idea what to do, and the last thing he wanted was to make her feel even worse, so he just stood in the doorway holding her as she sobbed into his shoulder. He felt the tears soak through his shirt and sent out a silent prayer of thanks that she didn’t seem to be wearing make-up. During his time of jumping from unstable relationship to unstable relationship, he’d had to throw out plenty of shirts stained with waterproof mascara. 

“You smell awful, Buck,” Maddie’s muffled voice said from his shoulder after her sobs had mostly died down. 

“Uh, yeah, I came straight here after fleeing the scene at Eddie’s. I’m not even wearing underwear.” 

She peeled herself off from his chest and wiped her eyes with her sleeve. “Gross. Do I even want to know why?”

“Well Eddie kinda just grabbed mine and put them on since they were... Actually nevermind, I’m not telling you that.” Maddie laughed, which Buck was very happy to hear after holding her while she wept for minutes on end. 

“Seriously, Maddie, what’s going on? The puking, the crying. It’s like you’re pregnant or something.” He added a chuckle near the end to show that he was joking. Maddie smiled, then quickly looked down as if she was trying to hide it, and realization hit Buck like a cartoon anvil. 

“Holy shit. Holy shit, it’s exactly like you’re pregnant. Maddie are you pregnant?” Buck said with a grin, unable to keep the excitement out of his voice. 

She looked up at him, still smiling sheepishly. “We’re not supposed to tell anyone yet--”

Buck whooped in delight and scooped Maddie off the floor, turning her in a circle as she giggled. The water from the glass sloshed all over him and he could not have cared less. 

“Holy shit!” He yelled, setting her back on the ground. “I’m gonna be an uncle? Holy shit!” He spun around in another circle on his own. “Fuck yeah, I’m gonna be the best uncle ever! Oh my god, I’m so happy for you guys! Now I’m gonna start crying!” Sure enough, tears had sprung to his eyes. He fanned at his eyes to try and keep them at bay, but stopped when a thought occurred to him. “Wait, it is Chimney’s right? And you are keeping it? I shouldn’t have assumed…”

“Yes, of course it’s Chimney’s and yes, we’re keeping it,” Maddie said, laughing. She dabbed at her eyes again with her sleeve. “Ugh, we’re like a feedback loop or something.”

He laughed and wiped his own tears from his eyes. “Aw, man. I can’t believe this, this is so awesome!”

“You can’t tell anyone.” She asserted, “All of the books and websites say not to tell everyone until the second trimester because miscarriages are so common in the first, and we haven’t even been to the doctor yet, so we don’t even know if there’s a heartbeat, or if something is really wrong, so we--”

“Maddie, Maddie, Maddie.” Buck grabbed her shoulders gently. “It’s gonna be great, okay? You guys are gonna have a perfect baby. I know it.” 

She took a breath and smiled. “Thanks. Although I would feel better if you were saying that with an ultrasound stick in your hand and an M.D. on your nametag.”

Buck shrugged. “Nobody’s perfect.”

“Except our baby.” Maddie pointed out.

“Except your baby, yes.” 

She sniffled. “Ugh. I’m already so sick of crying. I don’t know how I’m gonna deal with another eight months of this.” She paused, then jabbed a finger into Buck’s chest. “Hey, weren’t we focused on trying to salvage your disastrous love life?”

Buck groaned. For a moment he had forgotten the reason he’d come to Maddie’s in the first place. “Yeah, but this is so much more important. And way more fun.” 

“No way,” Maddie said, shaking her head. “You have to go and work things out with Eddie, and then you two can get married, and our baby will have Chris as an awesome older cousin to look up to.”

Buck ducked his head, trying to suppress a smile. “Don’t you think you’re thinking a little far ahead? I don’t even know if he feels the same way.” 

Maddie rolled her eyes. She turned and started walking towards the door, and Buck hesitantly trailed after her. 

“That’s only because you don’t see the way he looks at you when you’re not looking at him. I told you, I have money on this! And I’m not a gambler.” She reached for the front doorknob and Buck grabbed a hold of her other arm so that she would turn back to him. Panic had begun to set in, the same panic that had already stopped him from telling Eddie how he felt once today. 

“Even if he does feel the same way,” He said quietly. “How do I know I won’t just screw everything up anyway in a month, or a year? I can’t lose him, Maddie.” 

Maddie dropped her hand from the doorknob, smiled, and brought her hand to Buck’s face instead. A motherly gesture that he remembered coming from Maddie far more often than their actual mother. “You can never know for sure. We all lose each other, in the end. One way or another. Don’t let the fear of that loss keep you from something that could be amazing.” She tapped his cheek lightly. “You’re braver than that.”

He knew she was right. About loss, not about him being brave. Right now, he felt anything _but_ brave. If he was gonna lose Eddie one way or another, someday — to someone else or to death or to his own mistakes — wasn’t it better to try to give him everything while he still could? If Eddie didn’t feel the same way, at least everything would be out in the open, and they could figure things out from there. And if he did…. Buck had no idea what was next if he did. Loss, eventually, like Maddie said. But in the meantime, maybe they could build something. A life. Together. 

Buck found himself thinking about a call they’d been on over a year ago. An old man crushed between a car and a gate, DOA. His husband, who died on the scene without warning, holding his hand. Photos from the memory book of their long life together scattered nearby. If Buck got really really lucky, that could be him and Eddie. That would be the closest he could ever come to never losing him. But it would never happen unless he took the first, terrifying step off the ledge. He only hoped Eddie would follow.

“How did you end up so much smarter than me?” He asked Maddie.

“Just part of being an older sister,” She said, opening the door. “Now shoo. And remember, if you don’t say ‘I love you’ first, I’m out $50.” 

Buck laughed as he stepped outside. “But no pressure, right?”

“Not a bit.” 

He smiled. “Tell me how the doctor’s appointment goes. And let me know when I can tell people because you know it’s gonna drive me crazy.” 

“Same to you, Buckaroo. Good luck. I don’t think you’ll need it.” She winked and closed the door, and he was left alone in the humid morning air. The sky above him was even grayer than it was when he’d arrived, and in the distance he heard a crash of thunder. He wondered about the symbolism of a thunderstorm in LA happening on such a personally tumultuous day, and decided that he didn’t really want to know. 

*****************************************

Sure enough, when Buck pulled up to Eddie’s house, his heart running frenzied laps around his chest, the storm was just picking up. Rain poured down in fierce sheets, and every few minutes a bolt of lightning tore across the sky. The pounding of the raindrops on the hood of his car interjected with the occasional clap of thunder blended into a percussive rhythm that he would probably have found soothing if he weren’t so fucking terrified. 

_There is no going back from this._

_We all lose each other, in the end._

Better make it count, Buckley. 

He took a few deep breaths, trying and failing to remember anything about meditation from the many yoga instructors he had dated. Feeling by no means ready but knowing he would never really feel ready, he grabbed the bouquet of flowers from his front seat and braved the storm. 

In the few yards that he jogged from his car to Eddie’s front porch, the rain soaked clear through his t-shirt and turned his jeans a full shade darker. He ran his fingers through his dripping wet hair in a futile attempt to make it look presentable. Before he could talk himself out of it, he rapped his knuckles against the door. Immediately his heart began beating even faster, which he would’ve said was impossible until it happened. He looked down at the bouquet of flowers in his hand, now rain-beaten and water-logged, and felt ridiculous for even buying them. He was just considering cutting his losses and throwing them into the bushes when he heard the door open.

And there was Eddie, standing in front of him. Looking incredulous and freshly shaven and abso-fucking-lutely perfect. Even though it hadn’t even been two hours since Buck had seen him, an ache deep in his chest that he hadn’t realized was there instantly disappeared. Buck smiled involuntarily. Because all of a sudden, standing outside soaking wet at eleven in the morning, in front of Eddie — who at present did not appear pleased to see him —, he knew, he _knew_ that everything was going to be okay. The same way he knew Maddie’s baby was going to be healthy, even without an ultrasound. The same way he knew it was storming in LA, even though it was supposed to be the driest month of the year. The same way he knew he was deeply and unequivocally in love with Eddie Diaz.

“Hi,” Buck said, with a stupid, huge grin. 

“What do you want, Buck?” Eddie said, now feigning annoyance, because Buck could tell he was suppressing a smile. Which made sense. Buck was sure he looked nuts. 

“Well, first of all, I want my underwear back.” Eddie rolled his eyes and turned to go back into the house before Buck put a hand on his arm and said, “In a minute. I also want to give you these.” He held out the bouquet of flowers. Eddie looked from the flowers, to Buck, and back to the flowers. A small smile showed on his face as he grabbed them, then held him to his nose. “To apologize. For acting like a dumbass this morning.

“And I want to tell you something,” Buck continued. Eddie looked up at him through his eyelashes and Buck’s heart went absolutely berzerk. If he had an EKG done in that moment, it would have spelled out Eddie’s name. 

“Eddie Diaz I am in love with you!” ” Buck had to shout over the sound of the rain. He would have shouted even if it was a cloudless day. “I have been in love with you since the day I met you! Last night meant _everything_ to me, and if I had the choice I would wake up next to you every day for the rest of my life!” He took a step closer to Eddie, whose smile was only growing. 

“And if you don’t feel the same way, or if you need some time to figure out if you do, that’s okay. But I needed you to know how I feel. Because we all lose each other, in the end, but if I do have to lose you someday, I want to make damn sure I’ve done everything in my power to prevent it.” 

For a moment they both stood, silently, in the doorway. Beyond the protection of the roofed porch, sheets of rain fell behind Buck, occasionally hitting his back when the wind blew strongly. A clap of thunder sounded. And Eddie was looking at Buck with the same soft eyes and soft smile that he’d had when Buck had still thought the morning was a dream. Now Buck knew what Maddie meant about how Eddie looked at him when he was looking away. 

“You’re an idiot,” Eddie said with a laugh. Then he leaned in and held the back of Buck’s neck and kissed him with that smile still on his lips. Everything faded away, the sound of the rain, his wet clothes sticking against his skin, every thought in his head except _Eddie, Eddie Eddie._ Buck threw his arms around him and leaned into the kiss, savoring the warmth that spread through his whole body just from being close to Eddie, which he was elated to find grew even warmer and brighter when they kissed. 

Eddie pulled away, Buck’s hands still linked behind his neck, and said, “In case it wasn’t clear, I am also in love with you.” 

Buck threw his head back and laughed, feeling a few stray drops of rain bounce off of his forehead as he did. “Thanks for clearing that up.” They both leaned in for another kiss and wrapped their arms further around each other, and Buck longed to stay in that doorway and keep kissing Eddie until he forgot where his body ended and Eddie’s started. In that moment, Buck realized that he had been wrong about their first kiss. Magnificently, spectacularly wrong. Because this kiss felt even better, and he had an instinct that, for as long as he had the privilege of kissing Eddie Diaz, it would feel just as good every time.

**Author's Note:**

> If you actually read this whole thing I love you. Have a lovely day <3


End file.
